To Be a Man
by ENGLISH-Y
Summary: A response of independence is what the blonde wanted. MxM. Rated M for torture, blood, and later chapters.
1. Morning Exercises

Disclaimer: Ownage o' Death Note? Nope~

I was in a…. mood…?

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Morning Exercises

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"C'mon Matt! Hit me already! DO IT!" the blonde screeched at the already beaten up red head. Number 3 was bloody. A black eye, a fat lip, a swollen cheek, cuts and bruises on his arms and legs, and a gunshot wound in his arm. "HIT ME!" Mello screamed again.

Silence came from the redhead. That silence was filled with guilt and shame. A dog collar hung loosely around the redhead's neck – Mello having staked his claim on the redhead a few weeks ago. Growling darkly, the blonde stormed over to the other, kicking his side.

Matt screamed in pain, clutching the side Mello kicked. That wasn't the first time that steel-toed boots met his ribcage. By now, two of those bones were broken. "Pussy!" Mello insulted. "Wimp! Chicken! Girl! Sucker!"

The names Mello called him, had no more affect. It was just another word that Matt got used too. However…

"Gay-face with a vagina!!"

That one was new – and burnt Matt harder and faster than Marylyn Manson inside a Catholic Church. Pushing himself up, brass knuckles soon met with his shoulder, pushing him back down. "Slow asshole!" the blonde screeched.

"…"

"You gonna stay down you pussy? YOU FAT PUS—"

"Shut-up! JUST SHUT-UP!!!"

The blonde smirked at the reaction as the redhead shoved himself off the ground and threw a punch at the blonde. Missed of course – the redhead was in too much pain. Side-stepping the cancer-male, Mello sneered down at him , kicking his side.

"Heal yourself. Tomorrow at nine in the morning. I won't stop." And without another word or command, the blond dropped the brass knuckles on the redhead's back, walking away from the fallen figure.

This was normal now. Everyday Mello would try to make Matt a man – try to make him into an independent. To fight for himself and stick up for himself. It was about noon now… the beatings usually starting in the early morning, and Matt had the entire afternoon to heal. He'd be able to fix everything visible, but the broken ribs—not so much.

Matt loved Mello. Fact

Mello wasn't gay. Questionable fact.

Matt got beat up for everything. Fact.

Mello didn't give a flying fuck. Myth.

Matt was owned by Mello. Fact.

Mello uses Matt as a punching bag. Questionable Myth.

Matt wanted to die. Myth.

Mello wanted Matt in his pants. Fact.

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Oh shizz. I'm in Florida right now. This won't be updated for a bit. x3

Once again – this will be continued by the amount of reviews. I have the entire thing set out – I just wish to hear others opinions on this matter. So please – helpful criticism is loved, and welcomed. Flames are not.

With love,

E-Y.


	2. Game: KissAndDon'tTell

Disclaimer: Ownage o' Death Note? Nope~

So not even a week after I put the first chapter up – I already had 2 reviews. Now for me… just 1 is a lot. I really have to give it to tsuchikin901 for backing em up with this and my 3rd Note. So – I owe this to them as well as the 2nd person who reviewed – however… their name was left a mystery for me.

So for some who know me for my exceedingly long (not as long as Charles Dickenson) descriptions – this one is quick and to the point, without confusion.

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Game: Kiss-and-Don't-Tell

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One in the afternoon. Mello would want lunch soon – Matt knew it.

It wasn't that Matt didn't try (which he did, mind you) it was that Mello always took the first step. The first man to step is the one that wins. It was hard for Matt to take the first step. Finally clipping tying the bandages around his waits, Matt could only hope he wouldn't be hit again. It hurt enough already.

Mello almost never allowed the redhead go to the hospital, even when it was necessary. Just last week, Mello shot a hole and almost got vital organs – but didn't let Matt go to the hospital. It was like Matt was trapped. He couldn't smoke anymore. No more time to.

Walking to the kitchen was easy, having Mello come out of no where and sock the other across the face – wasn't exactly… endearing. "You're late…" Mello hissed pulling his leather glove back on.

"I know," Matt whispered. "It's hard to heal everything in thirty minutes."

"What was that…?"

"N-nothing!" Matt quickly stood as he rushed over to the cabinets. Mello ate chocolate and what else?

More chocolate. Goddamn him and his chocolate. "Order pizza," the blonde hissed.

"What?" Matt jumped a bit. "Order your own damn pizza you bit—I mean…"

Matt could almost taste the amount of pain that was about to be inflicted on him. "Say that again," Mello growled. "And say it to my face." Turning around, Matt tried to hide his eyes behind his goggles and bangs.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to insu—"

_PUNCH._

Great. Where'd he go wrong this time? "I SAID—" Mello nearly poured sulfuric acid from his mouth – the amount of anger coming from him. "—SAY IT AGAIN. AND SAY IT TO MY FACE!!" Another punch. Matt held onto the counter to keep himself form falling and being beaten up more. There was a pause. Mello left that pause pregnant.

Looking up, Matt's eyes glimmered with pure acting. He was acted enraged – to see if Mello would believe it. Of course the blonde would… "I said…" Matt began. "Order your own damn pizza you bitch."

A sneer formed on Mello's face. Not a bad one… a good one. "That's a good Matt," the blonde hummed. Matt regretted ever even putting the damn collar on. He thought it was a gift from Mello as a belated b-day present. Nope. It was a trap.

"Now go get me the phone," the blonde purred.

"Like hel—"

Another punch. What. The. Hell. Matt was finally going on a roll – and Mello ruined it. "NOW," Mello demanded. Goddamn. Matt could barely see… his head hurt and his cheek was bleeding. Grabbing the phone off the wall, he tossed it over to Mello, whom caught it with ease.

Sitting down, Matt quickly rubbed the blood off his face.

It wasn't long until Mello was done ordering. Walking over to Matt, he leaned over the sitting figure. Matt was afraid he'd be hit again, but Mello's lips lightly touched his forehead, and the feeling was gone when the blonde walked off to go get money for the pizza.

"…what?" Matt whispered to himself, touching his forehead to make sure there wasn't any poison on it or something.

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_Later that day, around seven at night…_

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Cold. VERY cold. Matt thought he was going to die from winters chill. Mello had booted him out for three hours because Matt had taken out a cigarette. The blonde bastard had also destroyed every last one of the cancer sticks.

Matt wasn't allowed a blanket. Matt couldn't have his vest either; nor his boots. Pants, shirt and goggles. He was cold.

Matt could only think now. This was really starting to become more of an abusive friendship – rather than a race to become a man. Hearing the door open behind him, Matt turned; his lips a deep purple and his skin ivory white from being in the cold.

Mello stared down at the other. For a moment, of what Matt saw; Mello looked… guilty. Or… regretful. It was… Matt couldn't explain it. The sight of the rosary caught his eyes, as the blonde's face turned back into a snarl almost. "Inside," he demanded. "Now."

The amount of ice in Mello's voice stung more than being outside in the dead of winter for three hours straight. Unlocking the collar's chain attached to a pole, Matt nimbly stood up, following Mello like a lost puppy.

It would seem as if the Master returned to his Pet. Mello grabbed Matt's shoulder once they were inside and shoved him to the floor below. "Go to bed," the blonde began. Matt held his side. Pushing himself off the floor, the redhead groaned as Mello grabbed his shoulder again. Matt was waiting from impact, but instead received something else.

Matt would question the other, if he were able to speak. Lips were locks. A slick tongue glided over the purple lips.

Matt was… Mello was… what was this? This was… amazing. A… euphorical sensation in which Matt could barely describe. The temptation to wrap his arms around the taller male's neck was soon shattered when the other pulled away. "I said go to bed," the blonde continued. A dark blush cascaded over the redhead's face.

Nodding, Matt walked off. It was just like before. Matt got hurt – and Mello kissed him. Today was really the first day it happened. Shaking his head, Matt tried to brush it off – but the taste of Mello's lips on his. It was… riveting. Matt was so fixated on Mello kissing him, he had a hard time remembering where his room was. Finally finding it, Matt slumped down on the bed and pulled the sheet over himself.

"…do again Mello…" Matt lightly whispered. "…increase sensation than blood…"

Turning to his side, Matt smiled, lightly touching his own lips. For a while (even before Mello started beating the shit out of the walking cancer) Matt had a crush on the blonde. However… Mello's religion stopped him from being homosexual, let alone bisexual… or so Matt though. Smiling, Matt soon began to drift off.

"I feel more like a man when you kiss me…" he softly whispered and soon, the boy was asleep.

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I'm such a sap. I thought I was gonna cry when Matt was starting to fall asleep. I think the hardest part in this fanfiction was trying to get Matt to say something back and really hit Mello.

Of course, it didn't show that it hit Mello, nor did I type it; but it happened. So yay, second chapter.

Love,

E-Y


	3. Merciless

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note blah, blah and more blah.

So sorry you guys. I hadn't expected that school would be all "SUCK IN LIFE OF MEEEE" and so yeah… My sis is gone for the next week, she's in France – and it's also school vacation week, so I got this week all to myself. That means updates on almost everything. But I'm sorry for the late third chapter… mid terms. DFDHJGAJDF. WORST TIME OF MY LIFE.

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Merciless

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Morning.

_No. Morning don't come! Please don't rise sun! DON'T RISE!_

Matt's inner turmoil's ceased nothing and the sun continued to blind him through the shutters. He winced, lifting a sore arm over his face, to keep the sun out of his mind. He checked the clock.

**8:34 a.m.**

"SHIT!" Matt screeched as he threw the covers off himself only to scream in anguish and fall back down the bed. His rib still hadn't healed. "Nng… o-ooww…" he whined. Matt needed to hit Mello back today… his body would break and shatter if he didn't. Slowly pushing himself up, he held his waist. Matt had hoped the rib would feel better, but it didn't. It felt just the same as it had before.

Standing up, he gripped the side of the table, guiding himself towards the door. Before he left, he put on a pair of pants and his normal striped shirt. At least that was clean.

Making his way towards the living room, Matt sat down on the couch, holding his side. Mello would show no mercy, just as he had said before. No mercy. He wouldn't stop… those were his words. 'Tomorrow at nine in the morning. I won't stop.' Those were Mello's words.

_Am I going to die?_ He asked himself secretly. Hearing Mello's boots clog in, Matt looked up, and over at the door, the blonde standing there, elegant as ever. Clad in leather and a bar of chocolate at hand. Snapping a corner off, Matt winced. Blue eyes glared down at hazel ones.

"Matt," the blonde muttered through a mouthful of chocolate. Swallowing, he snapped off another piece; devouring that one as well. Matt hesitated, scared to answer.

"…Mello," he whispered softly.

"…wrong answer," Mello said, whipping out his gun and shooting at Matt. The bullet scorched through the side of Matt's arm as he quickly gripped onto it. Screaming, soon lowering to whimpers and hisses, Matt tried to stop the bleeding.

Merciless.

"Let's try again," Mello said, pointing the gun at Matt's leg. "…Matt."

Matt took a gulp, biting the inside of his mouth. "…y-yes… Master?" he whimpered, the pain in his arm still unbearable.

_BANG._

Matt screamed again. Blood leaked and soon poured down his calf, onto the floor. Mello pointed the gun at Matt's head. "…Matt," he hissed darkly.

Matt was silent. Tears were water falling down his cheeks as silence took over the two. The only sounds that could be heard were Matt's sobs. Lifting a bloody hand up, Matt gripped onto the gun, pulling it towards his neck. "…k-kill me…" he cried. Mello's eyes widened slightly.

"…I-I'm s-sick and tired off all the sh-shit you put me through…" he continued. "So j-just kill me! DO IT!"

There was a slight pause; soon that pause had sex and became pregnant. The pause was broken by the sound of Mello's gun going onto safety. Snapping Matt's hand away, Mello put his gun back. "Get up," he demanded. Before Matt could respond, or do anything at all, Mello gripped the better shoulder and shoved him against the wall. A growl came from Mello's throat.

"Say it again," he whispered, his voice annoyingly soft. "Say how you're sick and tired of everything… SAY IT." Mello shook Matt a bit.

"…" Matt looked at Mello through his copper tinted goggles. "…I'm sick and tired…" Matt gulped. "…of all the shit you put me through." His bullet wounds continued to bleed, his legs becoming weak. Mello's eyes went wide. Matt did it. Matt made Mello… he made him feel inferior!

Matt lowered his guard. Finally… Matt was free.

Pushing Matt harder against the wall, Mello moved his mouth towards the redhead's neck, licking once. Matt gasped, not ready for something like that. Mello pushed off of him, as number three fell to the floor, holding his bullet wounds.

Mello glared down at the other, his foot soon meeting with the other's face.

Falling to his side, Matt screamed. Merciless… meaning Matt wasn't free. "Hit me back Matt!" Mello yelled. "Don't ht me with words, you're fist! Get up!" Mello rammed his foot into Matt's side. The redhead screaming. Broken rib. Mello kicked his broken rib. Coughing up a mouthful of blood, Matt stood up slowly, grasping the wall for help.

Looking around, Matt knew he wouldn't be able to hit Mello physically… he just needed a something to throw. Seeing a lamp, Matt quickly grabbed it.

_BANG._

Mello shot his gun again. This time, it hit next to Matt's face, about one foot away. Throwing the lamp at the blonde, Mello ducked, soon to meet with Matt's foot, falling over. Spitting blood out again, Matt looked down at Mello. Nothing was said, silence.

Holding his nose, Mello stood up; throwing his gun aside and pinning Matt back up against the wall. Claiming the other's lips, Mello bit and gnawed at the other's lips as Matt struggled.

_No!_

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Bet none of you were expecting that. Yeah bitches, I left it at a cliffhanger.

I was trying to think of an alternative to save Matt form Mello killing him, in the third chapter. So I was all, HMMMMMM. WHAT SHALL I MAKE MELLO DO NOW?

Poof, the beginning of an angry and violent yaoi tiem. That's right, y'all already know what's comin' up in the next chapter? Think again.

Well… I got all this week, and I'll try not to have this be so late for chapters.

With love,

E-Y


	4. Confession

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.

So yay. This is coming out wonderfully. People are all "UUUPPPPPDDAAAATTTEE". And I'm sitting here like "WTF."

So, this is for all the impatient people. Chapter 4.

Oh. BTW. Mello is a little bi-polar in this chapter.

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Confession

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Tongue scraping against tongue. Fingers riding up against wounds. Screaming, Matt gripped onto Mello's shoulder, trying to calm himself. Mello's mouth found its way to Matt's throat, biting, sucking, and licking.

Matt's breath became hitched, uneven, and quick. He felt a familiar hand slide down to his waist line. Thrashing around, Matt began to scream until his throat was sore. Grabbing his shoulder, Mello threw Matt to the floor. "Tch," he scoffed. "Get cleaned up, be back at five. You're making me dinner tonight."

Matt whimpered his body was in pain, bleeding, and violated. Slowly pushing himself up, Mello had already left the room. Limping, no… not anywhere close to limping, Matt had to grip the wall to keep him up.

Mello just… No! This wasn't Mello!! This was wrong!

Reaching his room, Matt stumbled over to the bathroom, grabbing any kits and gauze and cream, anything he had to help with the bullet wounds and scratches. Looking at the one in his leg, Matt winced… the bullet was still in there. Taking out a pocket knife, Matt nearly screamed when he pushed the knife inside the wound, digging out the bullet. Finally getting it out, Matt quickly covered the hole, hissing and whimpering at it.

Matt wanted to hit Mello back. Matt wanted to smack a friggin' shovel across the blonde's scar and scream one word at him.

Why.

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_With Mello_

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"Damnit…" he softly whispered. Blood continued its way out of his nose as Mello grabbed a third tampon and shoved it up his nose. He thanked Halle for these. He swiped some from when he hijacked her bathroom. One side stopped, but the other didn't, he was just glad his nose didn't break.

Mello stared down at his gun. He shot it three times, twice it hit Matt. He felt like an ass. A complete and total ass. Mello knew what Matt was thinking this moment. That Matt hated him for all of this, and that Matt wanted to take revenge. He knew it.

One would ask Mello the same question Matt wanted to ask him though. Why?

Mello was trying to avoid falling in love with Matt. But it wasn't working.

Holding the rosary in his hand, Mello frowned.

_Mihael Keehl, what are you doing? You're hurting your best friend to avoid loving him… why do you avoid him?_

…_I don't know. I don't want to get close… I'm afraid I'll lose him…_

_So that's why you threaten to KILL him?_

_Sh… shut up!!_

…and his conscious went silent. Mello couldn't believe himself. He couldn't… he needed to talk to Matt. Standing up, Mello ripped the tampons out of his nose, throwing them in the trash and covering them with the bloody tissues.

Ever step he took, Mello became more and more nervous. He wasn't sure how to tell Matt that he was… sorry. And that he DID love him. That word. That DAMN word. It controlled Mello completely.

He stopped before the door. Knocking a couple of times, Mello inhaled slightly. "Matt…?" he whispered.

Matt jumped, almost completely finishing covering his shoulder wound. He looked at the time. It was only three o'clock. No where near when Mello wanted him. Matt stayed silent.

"Matt… listen," Mello hushed. "…I… open the door… unlock it at least."

"Oh I'm sorry," Matt scoffed. "I can't get up, because SOMEBODY shot me in the damn leg!"

Matt… was learning. "Mail Jeevas," Mello hissed. He could hear Matt stop breathing for a moment as he pushed himself up.

The door opened, and there stood Matt, battered up, bloody and near tears. Mello walked in, getting as close to Matt as possible. The redhead had yet to get his growth splurge, so he was still a few inches shorter than Mello.

Closing and locking the door behind him, Mello quickly took Matt's waist, spun them around and pushed him against the door. Yelping, Matt cringed his face. "M-Mello… I-I'm sorry...!" he began. "I-I'll d-do bette—_ah!_"

Mello's lips gently touched Matt's cheek. Loosening his grip on the redhead's waist, Mello looked at him, bringing a hand up to his face. Caressing gently, Matt stood there, completely shocked. Mello was being gentle? No… this wasn't right.

"M-Mello…?"

"…Mail..." the blonde whispered. Matt gulped. Mello rarely used Matt's real name. So it was either Mello was extremely pissed or that he… "…I'm sorry."

Time stopped. Time stopped completely. Matt was speechless. Mello looked at Matt, his eyes half-lidded with guilt. Regret. Matt's eyes widened. Impossible. Struggling a bit, Matt shook his head. "No! You aren't Mello!" he screeched as Mello's hand gripped tighter on the redhead's wait.

His blue eyes darkened, trying to prove to Matt that this was Mello. "Y-you're lying!" Matt whispered. "…I-I don't believe you...!" Mello frowned, using his hand to gently lift Matt's face up, kissing his jaw line.

"Matt…" he began. "Mail Jeevas… forgive me… I tried to avoid something… something that I should have listened to instead of shooting you… I regret everything."

This was unbelievable! Mello… Mello… Mello..!!

Matt was brought into silence again. Mello looked at Matt, caressing his cheek, his eyes glued to the collar around his neck. He looked up, into Matt's awe-struck hazel green eyes.

"…I love you."

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And no one knows who said it. I'll give you three guess and the first two don't count. Cx

Well. This one was fun to write. Not exactly one of the best chapters in my point of view, but it gives you both sides of the story. You all are probably like 'WHAT NO SMUT?'…not yet.

So, yay. Fourth chapter done. I dunno how long it'll before the next update. My sister is coming back from France on Sunday… meaning she gets the fanfiction computer for like… ever.

Guh. At least she had tennis everyday. Anyhow. I did change my username; but notice how the last to letters are still 'E-Y'. So it's all good. I changed it to PURPLE-Y because my girlfriend calls me Purple.

Well… R&R

-E-Y


	5. Mesmerizing

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.

Sorry for not updating. I hadn't had inspiration – and now I do.

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Mesmerizing

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…impossible.

Matt… didn't believe it. Mello was a Catholic – and he was… going against his own religion. Homosexuality. No. Matt… didn't know what to say.

Silence was golden at that moment. Mello didn't take his eyes away from the redhead's own orbs. It was a moment… a moment in which Matt was speechless, and Mello who was…

"Mello…" a soft whisper came from the cancer-man's throat. The blonde looked up, his face closer than before. Blood continued to flow down to the ground, from Matt's wounds. Slipping his hands away from harsh spots on Matt's arms, Mello lifted the other male into his arms, carrying him towards the bathroom.

Matt was silent, as was Mello.

Matt loved Mello. Fact.

Mello wasn't gay. Myth.

Matt was owned by Mello. Fact.

Mello loved Matt. Fact.

The cold water felt like daggers against the cuts and wounds. Merciless… never happened. Matt was still alive. The two continued in silence, as if there was a curse of emptiness hung around them. It took a hard to get that silence, and only one noise could break it.

Matt sneezed.

"Bless you," Mello whispered.

"Thanks," Matt replied, his voice shaky from fear, and confusion. A few more moments of silence.

"H-hey Mello…?"

"Hn?"

"…thanks."

The blonde looked up, with a face of disbelief on it. "For beating the shit out of you?" he snapped.

"N-no…" Matt inhaled lightly as Mello stood up, beginning to work on his shoulder. "…for… understanding. You understood I was a wimp – and knew I had to toughen up… I mean… I've managed to take several of your bullets now…" Matt felt his eyes well up. No, he couldn't start crying now. Choking back his tears, the redhead continued, "A-and… f-for…" Matt couldn't say it. He still didn't believe it.

Something soft and warm gently kissed his jaw line. It was Mello's lips. A light blush cascaded across the redheads face. "M… Mello…?" he whispered softly. The blonde looked up, his face uncomfortably close again. Blue eyes gazed into hazel-green ones, a mesmerizing moment.

Matt gulped slightly, lifting his hands up to the blonde's cheeks. "I love you too…" he whispered softly, soon lightly kissing the older male. It was tender… amazing… ecstatic.

Sliding his gloves off, Mello gently rested his palms on Matt's hipbones. Leaning into the kiss, Matt wrapped his arms around the others neck. Mesmerizing moments, moments of bliss. It was… intoxicating.

Breaking the kiss, Mello smiled at the redhead. Matt grinned, but then winced slightly, looking at the wounds again. Mello smirked softly, gently kissing the gash. Going back to work, Matt couldn't help but smile. Inside he was giddy. Inside he was kicking his legs vigorously while sitting down, his hands clasping the sides of a chair, and a grin from ear-to-ear plastered on his face. Inside he was fluttering. Inside he was…

Loved.

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SHORT CHAPTAAHHH.

Love me, I know you do. Wow. I can honestly say my excuses are, school, ADD, sister with college shenanigans, and getting ready for Anime Boston. Oh yeah, if you're go to AB, search for a supporter of the Search for a Cure (Breast Cancer) and Day of Silence (Gay-Straight Alliances) Tifa Lockheart as well as a Mail Jeevas with an unzipped jacket. That's me.

Well… this was done in about one hour, so please excuse any grammatical errors.

With love,

E-Y


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